Loneliness And Being Alone

 The funny thing about loneliness is how very little it has to do with actually being alone.

The saddest, truest kind of loneliness seeps in when you least expect it. It arrives silently: while lying in the arms of your lover, measuring the frequency of their hand as it runs back and forth, up and down, caressing the dimple of your thigh. It’s noticing the way their touch occasionally slows, falters – the way they’ve grown so easily distracted by the static, violent movements of their video game, the one you bought them for their birthday.

It’s remembering the way your body once commanded their pulse to quicken, their heart to race. It’s how your touch once brought light to their eyes and tiny, dancing goose-bumps to the skin of their neck. Loneliness is is the pull-back to your lean-in, the hug to your kiss, the question to your certainty; it’s the time between replies, as you sit, staring at your phone — wishing death upon all those who dare message in their silence.

Loneliness isn’t measurable by numbers or bodies or answers to a questionnaire; loneliness is the perpetual state of seeking that which you so crave, that which you so need. Loneliness comes with settling for less than you deserve just as surely as it comes with reaching for that which you cannot attain. It’s incurable by company, it swells in the presence of friends; it grips you unforgivingly, from within.

Loneliness is the isolation that comes with nursing a feeling unreturned — an expectation unmet.

Aloneness is different. Aloneness is finding freedom in this very same isolation; it’s the strange state of bliss that comes with being truly, honestly, unapologetically content in your own company.

Being alone is buying a single ticket to a foreign film you know absolutely nothing about. It’s sitting in the back row, tearing open the wrapper to your favorite chocolate bar, immersing yourself so completely in the fictional love of fictional characters that you all but forget the to-and-fros of your own trivial existence. You forget about that person you met at the bar last week, the one you gave your number to but never heard back from. You forget about the photo that your ex just uploaded on Facebook; the one with their new love interest, laughing carelessly behind designer glasses. You forget because, in that moment, nothing matters more than the sweet crunch of your chocolate bar and the eventual union of Character A with Character B.

Aloneness is a Saturday night when your best friend is on a date and you forgot to make other plans. It’s walking to the wine shop while listening to that song you love and buying the second-cheapest bottle of wine — because even though you have no money, you deserve to be treated. It’s building a fort in your bedroom, one with high-speed WiFi, walls of pillows, and a moat of old DVD cases. It’s drinking your cheap wine in your cheap castle and understanding that nobody’s coming to save you. Because you don’t want them to. Because you don’t need to be saved.

Loneliness and aloneness stand as the two pillars to the one, emotional pendulum. There will be days when you’re so physically alone, so abandoned in your own company that you find yourselves smiling, laughing without reason. Then there will be the days spent by the ocean with the one you love, when you find yourselves suddenly, inconceivably, on the verge of tears.

We can’t allow ourselves to be defined by the people we surround ourselves with. We can’t allow ourselves to be defined by our relationship status or our weekend plans or the screaming silence of our mobile phone. If you’re single, please understand that a relationship isn’t the ticket to happiness. If you’re in a relationship, please know that being single isn’t a sentence to sorrow. We’re all just swinging on that same, rickety pendulum — forever in flux between being alone and being lonely. We’re all just trying to find our balance, wondering how or why or what we’re doing there — wherever there is.

Just know that, whichever you happen to be or feel at this exact moment, the power to maintain or change it will always be in your own hands — not in theirs, or in anyone else’s.

And sometimes the best cure to loneliness is, in fact, to be alone. 

一个人呆着不是孤独

孤独的有趣之处在于，它与真正孤独的关系非常小。

 最悲伤、最真实的孤独在你最意想不到的时候渗入。 它悄无声息地到达：躺在你爱人的怀里，测量他们的手来回、上下、抚摸你大腿的酒窝的频率。 它注意到他们的触摸偶尔会变慢、蹒跚——他们变得如此容易被他们的视频游戏的静态、暴力动作分散注意力的方式，你为他们的生日买的那个。

 这是记住你的身体曾经命令他们的脉搏加快，他们的心跳加速的方式。 这就是你的触摸曾经如何为他们的眼睛带来光，并为他们的脖子皮肤带来微小的、跳舞的鸡皮疙瘩。 孤独是对你倾身的拉回，对你亲吻的拥抱，对你确定性的质疑； 这是回复之间的时间，当你坐着，盯着你的手机时——祝所有敢于在沉默中发消息的人死亡。

 孤独无法通过数字、身体或问卷答案来衡量； 孤独是寻求你所渴望的、你所需要的的永恒状态。 孤独伴随着获得比你应得的更少的东西，就像追求你无法获得的东西一样肯定。 被陪伴无法治愈，在朋友面前膨胀； 它从内部无情地抓住你。

 孤独是一种孤独，伴随着一种得不到回报的感觉——一种没有得到满足的期望。

 孤独是不同的。 孤独就是在同样的孤立中寻找自由； 这是一种奇怪的幸福状态，伴随着真正、诚实、毫无歉意地在你自己的公司里满足。

 独自一人就是买一张你完全不知道的外国电影的票。 它坐在后排，撕开你最喜欢的巧克力棒的包装纸，让自己完全沉浸在对虚构人物的虚构爱情中，以至于你几乎忘记了自己微不足道的存在。 你忘记了上周在酒吧遇到的那个人，那个你给了你的电话号码但一直没有回音的人。 你忘记了你的前任刚刚上传到 Facebook 的照片； 那个带着他们的新恋人，在名牌眼镜后面漫不经心地笑着。 你忘记了，因为在那一刻，没有什么比巧克力棒的甜蜜嘎吱声以及角色 A 与角色 B 的最终结合更重要了。

 孤独是周六晚上你最好的朋友约会而你忘记了其他计划。 它是一边听着你喜欢的歌曲一边走到葡萄酒商店，然后购买第二瓶最便宜的葡萄酒——因为即使你没有钱，你也值得被对待。 它正在你的卧室里建造一座堡垒，一个配备高速 WiFi、枕头墙和旧 DVD 盒的护城河。 这是在你廉价的城堡里喝着你的廉价酒，并明白没有人会来救你。 因为你不希望他们这样做。 因为你不需要被拯救。

 孤独和孤独是情绪钟摆的两个支柱。 有时你会感到身体上如此孤独，如此被遗弃在自己的公司中，以至于你发现自己微笑着，无缘无故地大笑。 然后就是和你爱的人在海边度过的日子，当你突然发现自己，不可思议地，泪流满面的时候。

 我们不能让自己被周围的人定义。 我们不能让自己被我们的关系状态或我们的周末计划或我们手机的尖叫静音所定义。 如果你是单身，请明白一段感情不是通往幸福的门票。 如果您正在恋爱，请知道单身并不是悲伤的句子。 我们都只是在同一个摇摇晃晃的钟摆上摇摆——永远在孤独和孤独之间摇摆不定。 我们都只是试图找到我们的平衡，想知道我们在那里做什么、为什么或做什么——无论在哪里。

 只要知道，无论您在这一刻碰巧成为或感觉到，维持或改变它的权力将始终掌握在您自己的手中——而不是在他们或其他任何人的手中。

 有时，治愈孤独的最佳方法实际上就是独处。