Hardest part is interrupting our reactivity cycle

 To help interrupt this reactivity cycle, I recommend these five steps:

1. Identify the Problem: What exactly is the problem and why is it a problem for you?

2. Identify Its Effects: Identify the negative and positive effects of the problem in all aspects of your life.

3. Identify Your Reaction: Identify how you react to the prob­lem and the effects of your reaction on your life.

4. Identify Potentials for Friendship: Identify avenues for be­friending problems.

5. Identify Small Action Steps: Identify small, realistic steps for action.

STEP 1: IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM

It’s strange. When we have a problem, it seems painfully clear to us that it is a problem. But when asked how or in what way it is a problem, it is hard for most of us to articulate. Too often, the bottom line is this: “I am not getting what I want.” It is that simple.

Most often, when I ask myself, “What’s the bottom-line problem here?” it becomes clear that this is what I call a “milk-white-or-dark chocolate” issue: It is a matter of preference.

The question then becomes, How important is this preference for me? Is it worth fighting for? If there are multiple preferences at stake, which is most important to me? How do I focus on this priority? Sometimes this first step is all it takes to shrink a big headache into a good-sized laugh.

STEP 2: IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE AND POSITIVE EFFECTS

The next step is to identify the negative and positive effects of the problem. I think it is helpful to explore how the problem affects your life in all areas: physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, occupational, and so­cial. We generally view a problem as affecting one area of our life; how­ever, most problems trickle over into other areas.

For example, if you are not happy with your weight (physical), you may find it spills over to your self-confidence in your relationships (social), your job (work), and even your relationship to God (spiritual). Similarly, you may also find that there are surprising positive effects. Perhaps you have joined a gym (physical) with your partner (relational) and met a new friend (social) or a new business contact (work) while working out. Even with the worst life events—death of a loved one, divorce, life-threatening illness, or sexual abuse—there ultimately is some sort of potential positive develop­ments if you can compassionately stay with them.

In fact, the bigger the problem, the greater the possibility of positive effects in the long run. 

STEP 3: IDENTIFYING YOUR REACTION

The next step is to examine how you react to the problem. When faced with the same problem, we all react differently. So, what are your favorite ways to react: Do you become angry, fearful, or irritated? Do you obsess over it, ignore it, hide it, or dwell on it? Do you feel cheated, freeze up, or gear up for action? Do you become hopeless, highly emotional, or overly logical? Do you react the same to all problems? When do you do what?

Once you identify your reaction, the next question is: How does this affect the situation? In what ways does your response make things better? In what ways worse? Although we dislike answering these ques­tions, the answers offer insight into how we habitually relate to prob­lems, and often those insights are enough to inspire us to do something different.

Typically, when we analyze our reaction to problems, we find we go to war with problems, try to evict them from our lives as quickly as possible, or pretend they are not there. This is where befriending problems can offer a fresh way to respond.

STEP 4: IDENTIFY POTENTIALS FOR FRIENDSHIP

Rather than ignore or attack the problem, take a moment to relate to it a bit differently. Some options include:

Curiosity: Often it helps to be curious about it. What do you not know about the problem or situation? What other reasonable explanations could there be for the situation? Perhaps you made assumptions about another’s intentions or the actual possibilities in a situation? Sometimes when we soften by becoming curious about what is going on, we discover answers and possibilities we could not see in our reactive and panicked state.

Problem as Teacher: For many, it is helpful to wonder about possible lessons you are being allowed to learn. What are you being asked to learn about life, yourself, your relationship, or the human condition by this problem situation?

Problem as Preparation: In what ways might the problem be preparation for things to come? Might it be an opportunity to face a long-held fear? Is there a possible purpose for the problem that we cannot yet see?

Just Is What Is: Other times, it is helpful to acknowledge that this is just how things are in life, at least at this moment. Open­heartedly accepting what is must be distinguished from hopeless resignation. Embracing what is , results in a sense of freedom and liberation.

Situation without Your Interpretation: If you could be in this exact situation without the ability to think that it was a problem—that the situation just “was,” as natural as wind and rain, how would you respond differently? What thoughts and actions might be different?

Each situation must be befriended on its own terms. For example, traffic or a delayed train can be viewed as a divine permission for quiet, peaceful time in an otherwise hectic schedule; a bad restaurant meal, a nice compliment on your own or spouse’s home cooking; an argument with a friend, an opportunity to deepen the connection by moving be­yond Pollyanna conversation. In most cases, if you can come up with even one plausible alternative, your stress level goes down and you can find a more proactive and effective way to approach the situation. 

worst fears—something we believe we cannot bear. It will come, and in fact, such moments typically come several times in all of our lives. In these moments, we will break. Every time. But we must choose whether we break down or break open. We will most likely cry, get angry, and feel overwhelmed at first. But at any point, we are free to choose to befriend the moment.

The first step is simple but terrifying: acknowledging what has just happened. You may not be able to do this with your first major life tragedy, and that is OK. I could not. But as you practice on the little things, you develop the cour­age to one day use it with one of your bigger challenges. Each time you do this, you become braver and more confident that you can survive the next round. And, forgive my honesty, but there will be another one most likely at some point—until the day comes when you simply know that no matter what happens, you will not just survive, but grow through it.

With each new trial I face, I have learned that if I quiet the part of me that wants to run away from the painful reality, the answer comes—with laser-like clarity and a deep-seated calm in my darkest hour. A voice that I know only from the quietest moments of meditation provides the answer. Although meditation is quite useful for daily stresses, you won’t discover the real value of such an arguably boring practice until you face such a moment.

When you can still your mind, you can make agonizing decisions with lucidity and peace. You finally know freedom when you can consciously befriend your worst nightmare. Befriending allows you to be fully present when making life-altering decisions that you can then unwaveringly uphold, even in the most unimaginable of circumstances.