CHILDREN AND LOVE LANGUAGES
Does the concept of love languages apply to children? I am often asked that question by those attending my marriage seminars. My unqualified answer is yes. When children are
little, you don’t know their primary love language. Therefore, pour on all five and you are bound to hit it; but if you observe their behaviour, you can learn their primary love language rather early.
Bobby is six years old. When his father comes home from work, Bobby jumps into his lap, reaches up, and messes up his father’s hair. What is Bobby saying to his father? “I want to be touched.” He is touching his father because he wants to be touched. Bobby’s primary love language is likely “Physical Touch.”
Patrick lives next door to Bobby. He is five and a half, and he and Bobby are playmates. Patrick’s father, however, faces a different scenario when he comes home from work. Patrick says excitedly, “Come here, Daddy. I want to show you something. Come here.”
His father says, “Just a minute, Patrick, I want to look at the paper.”
Patrick leaves for a moment but is back in fifteen seconds, saying, “Daddy, come to my room. I want to show you now, Daddy. I want to show you now.”
His father replies, “Just a minute, son. Let me finish reading.”
Patrick’s mother calls him, and he dashes off. His mother tells him that his father is tired and please let him read the paper for a few minutes. Patrick says, “But, Mommy, I want to show him what
I made.”
“I know,” says his mother, “but let Dad read for a few minutes.”
Sixty seconds later, Patrick is back to his father and instead of saying anything, he jumps into his father’s paper, laughing. His father says, “What are you doing, Patrick?”
Patrick says, “I want you to come to my room, Daddy. I want to show you what I made.”
What is Patrick requesting? “Quality Time.” He wants his father’s undivided attention, and he won’t stop until he gets it, even if he must create a scene. If your child is often making presents for you, wrapping them up and giving them to you with a special glee in his or her eye, your child’s primary love language is probably “Receiving Gifts.” He gives to you because he desires to receive. If you observe your son or daughter always trying to help a younger brother or sister, it probably means that his or her primary love language is “Acts of Service.” If he or she is often telling you how good you look and what a
good mother or father you are and what a good
job you did, it is an indicator that his or her
primary love language is “Words of
Affirmation.” All of that is on the subconscious
level for the child. That is, the child is not
consciously thinking, “If I give a gift, my parents
will give me a gift; if I touch, I will be touched,”
but her behavior is motivated by her own
emotional desires. Perhaps she has learned by
that when she does or says certain things, she
typically receives certain responses from her
parents. Thus, she does or says that which results
in getting her own emotional needs met. If all
goes well and their emotional needs are met,
children develop into responsible adults; but if
the emotional need is not met, they may violate
acceptable standards, expressing anger toward
parents who did not meet their needs, and
seeking love in inappropriate places.
Dr. Ross Campbell, the psychiatrist who first told
me about the emotional love tank, says that in
his many years of treating adolescents who have been involved in sexual misconduct, he has never
treated such an adolescent whose emotional need for love has been met by the parents. His opinion
was that almost all sexual misconduct in adolescents is rooted in an empty emotional love tank. Why is it that as the child gets older, our “Words of Affirmation” turn to words of condemnation?
Have you seen that in your community? A teenager runs away from home. The parents wring their hands, saying, “How could he do this to us after all we have done for him?” but the teenager is sixty miles down the road in some counselor’s office, saying, “My parents don’t love me. They have never loved me. They love my brother, but they don’t love me.” Do the parents, in fact, love that teenager? In the majority of cases, they do.
Then what’s the problem? Very likely, the parents
never learned how to communicate love in a
language the child could understand.
Perhaps they bought ball gloves and bicycles to
show their love, but the child was crying, “Will
someone play ball with me? Will someone go
riding with me?” The difference between buying
a ball glove and playing ball with a child may be
the difference between an empty love tank and a full one.
Parents can sincerely love their children (most do), but sincerity is not enough. We must learn to speak the primary love language of our children if we are to meet their emotional need for love.
Let’s look at the five love languages in the context of loving children.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Parents typically give many affirming words when
the child is young. Even before the child
understands verbal communication, parents are
saying, “What a pretty nose, what beautiful eyes,
what curly hair,” and so on. When the child begins
to crawl, we applaud every movement and give
“Words of Affirmation.” When he begins to walk
and stands with one hand against the couch, we
stand two feet away and say, “Come on, come on,
come on. That’s right! Walk. That’s right, walk.”
The child takes half a step and falls and what do
we say? We don’t say, “You dumb kid, can’t you
walk?”
Rather, we say, “Yea, good job!” So he gets up
and tries again. Why is it that as the child gets
older, our “Words of Affirmation” turn to words
of condemnation? When the child is seven we
walk into the room and tell him to put the toys in
the toy box. Twelve toys are on the floor. We
come back in five minutes and seven toys are in
the box, and what do we say? “I told you to get
these toys up. If you don’t get these toys up, I am
going to—” What about the seven toys in the
box? Why don’t we say, “Yea, Johnny, you put
seven toys in the box. That’s great.” The other
five would probably jump into the box! As the
child gets older, we tend to condemn him for his
failures rather than commend him for his successes.
To a child whose primary love language is “Words of Affirmation,” our negative, critical, demeaning words strike terror to her psyche. Hundreds of thirty-five-year-old adults still hear words of condemnation spoken twenty years ago ringing in their ears: “You’re too fat; nobody will ever date you.” “You’re not a student. You may as well drop out of school.” “I can’t believe you are so dumb.”
“You are irresponsible and will never amount to anything.” Adults struggle with self-esteem and feel unloved all their lives when their primary love language is violated in such a detrimental manner.
QUALITY TIME
Quality time means giving a child undivided attention. For the small child, it means sitting on the floor and rolling a ball back and forth with him. We are talking about playing with cars or
dolls. We are talking about playing in the sandbox
and building castles, getting into his world, doing
things with him. You may be into computers as an
adult, but your child lives in a child’s world. You
must get down on the child’s level if you
eventually want to lead him to the adult world.
As the child gets older and develops new interests,
you must enter into those interests if you want to
meet his needs. If he is into basketball, get
interested in basketball, spend time playing
basketball with him, take him to basketball games.
If he is into piano, perhaps you could take a piano
lesson or at least listen with undivided attention
for part of his practice period. Giving a child your
undivided attention says that you care, that he is
important to you, that you enjoy being with him.
Many adults, looking back on childhood, do not
remember much of what their parents said,
but they do remember what their parents did. One
adult said, “I remember that my father never
missed my high school games. I knew he was
interested in what I was doing.” For that adult,
“Quality Time” was an extremely important
communicator of love. If “Quality Time” is the
primary love language of your child and you
speak that language, chances are he will allow
you to spend quality time with him even through
the adolescent years. If you do not give him
quality time in the younger years, he will likely
seek the attention of peers during the adolescent
years and turn away from parents who may at that
time desperately desire more time with their children.
RECEIVING GIFTS
Many parents and grandparents speak the
language of gifts excessively. In fact, when one
visits toy stores, one wonders if parents believe
that is the only language of love. If parents have
the money, they tend to buy many gifts for their
children. Some parents believe that that is the
best way to show love. Some parents try to do
for their children what their parents were unable
to do for them. They buy things that they wish
they had had as a child. But unless that is the
primary love language of the child, gifts may
mean little emotionally to the child. The parent
has good intentions, but he/she is not meeting
the emotional needs of the child by giving gifts.
If the gifts you give are quickly laid aside, if the
child seldom says “thank you,” if the child does
not take care of the gifts that you have given, if
she does not prize those gifts, chances are
“Receiving Gifts” is not her primary love
language. If, on the other hand, your child
responds to you with much thanksgiving, if she
shows others the gift and tells others how
wonderful you are for buying the gift, if she takes
care of the gift, if she puts it in a place of
prominence in her room and keeps it polished, if
she plays with it often over an extended period of
time, then perhaps “Receiving Gifts” is her
primary love language.
What if you have a child for whom “Receiving
Gifts” is his or her primary love language but you
cannot afford many gifts? Remember, it’s not the
quality or cost of the gift; it is the “thought that
counts.” Many gifts can be handmade, and
sometimes the child appreciates that gift more
than an expensive, manufactured gift. In fact,
younger children will often play with a box more
than the toy that came in it. You can also find
discarded toys and refinish them. The process of
refinishing can become a project for both parent
and child. You need not have lots of money in
order to provide gifts for your children.
ACTS OF SERVICE
When children are small, parents are continually doing “Acts of Service” for them. If they did not, the child would die. Bathing, feeding, and dressing all require a great deal of work in the first few years of a child’s life. Then comes cooking, washing, and ironing. Then comes packing lunches, running a taxi service, and helping with homework. Such things are taken for granted by many children, but for other children those things communicate love.
Observe your children. Watch how they express love to others. That is a clue to their love language.
If your child is often expressing appreciation for
ordinary acts of service, that is a clue that they
are emotionally important to him or her.
Your acts of service are communicating love in a
meaningful way. When you help him with a
science project, it means more than a good grade.
It means “My parent loves me.” When you fix a
bicycle, you do more than get him back on wheels.
You send him away with a full tank. If your child
consistently offers to help you with your work
projects, it probably means that in his mind that is
a way of expressing love, and “Acts of Service”
likely is his primary love language.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
We have long known that “Physical Touch” is an emotional communicator to children. Research
has shown that babies who are handled often develop better emotionally than babies who are not.
Naturally many parents and other adults pick up
an infant, hold it, cuddle it, kiss it, squeeze it,
and speak silly words to it. Long before the child
understands the meaning of the word love, she
feels loved. Hugging, kissing, patting, holding
hands are all ways of communicating love to a
child. The hugging and kissing of a teenager will
differ from the hugging and kissing of an infant.
Your teenager may not appreciate such behavior
in the presence of peers, but that doesn’t mean
that he does not want to be touched, especially if
it is his primary love language.
If your teenager is regularly coming up behind you
and grabbing your arms, lightly pushing you,
grabbing you by the ankle when you walk through
the room, tripping you, those are all indications
that “Physical Touch” is important to him.
Observe your children. Watch how they express
love to others. That is a clue to their love
language. Take note of the things they request of
you. Many times, their request will be in keeping
with their own love language. Notice the things
for which they are most appreciative. Those are
likely indicators of their primary love language.
Our daughter’s love language is “Quality Time”;
thus, as she grew up, she and I often took walks
together. During her high school years while she
attended Salem Academy, one of the oldest girls’
academies in the country, we took walks amid
the quaint surroundings of Old Salem. The
Moravians have restored the village, which is
more than two hundred years old. Walking the
cobblestone streets takes one back to a simpler
time. Strolling through the ancient cemetery gives
one a sense of reality about life and death. In those
years, we walked three afternoons a week and had
long discussions in that austere setting. She is a
medical doctor now, but when she comes home,
she almost always says, “Want to take a walk,
Dad?” I have never refused her invitation.
My son would never walk with me. He said,
“Walking’s dumb! You’re not going anywhere. If
you’re going somewhere, drive.” “Quality Time”
was not his primary love language. As parents,
we often try to pour all of our children into the
same mold. We go to parenting conferences or
read books on parenting, get some wonderful
ideas, and want to go home and practice with each
child. The problem is that each child is different,
and what communicates love to one child may not
communicate love to another. Forcing a child to
take a walk with you so that you can spend quality
time together will not communicate love.
We must learn to speak our children’s language if
we want them to feel loved. I believe that most
parents sincerely love their children. I also believe
that thousands of parents have failed to
communicate love in the proper language and
thousands of children in this country are living
with an empty emotional tank. I believe that most
misbehavior in children and teenagers can be
traced to empty love tanks.
It is never too late to express love. If you have older children and realize that you have been
speaking the wrong love language, why not tell them? “You know, I have been reading a book on
how to express love, and I realize that I have not
been expressing my love to you in the best way
through the years. I have tried to show you my
love by _______, but I’m now realizing that that
probably has not communicated love to you, that
your love language is probably something
different. I am beginning to think that your love
language is probably _______. You know, I really
do love you, and I hope that in the future I can
express it to you in better ways.” You might even
want to explain the five love languages to them
and discuss your love language as well as theirs.
Perhaps you do not feel loved by your older children. If they are old enough to understand the
concept of love languages, your discussion may open their eyes. You may be surprised at their
willingness to start speaking your love language and, if they do, you might be surprised at the way
your feelings and attitudes toward them begin to change. When family members start speaking each
other’s primary love language, the emotional climate of a family is greatly enhanced.
Does the concept of love languages apply to children? I am often asked that question by those attending my marriage seminars. My unqualified answer is yes. When children are
little, you don’t know their primary love language. Therefore, pour on all five and you are bound to hit it; but if you observe their behaviour, you can learn their primary love language rather early.
Bobby is six years old. When his father comes home from work, Bobby jumps into his lap, reaches up, and messes up his father’s hair. What is Bobby saying to his father? “I want to be touched.” He is touching his father because he wants to be touched. Bobby’s primary love language is likely “Physical Touch.”
Patrick lives next door to Bobby. He is five and a half, and he and Bobby are playmates. Patrick’s father, however, faces a different scenario when he comes home from work. Patrick says excitedly, “Come here, Daddy. I want to show you something. Come here.”
His father says, “Just a minute, Patrick, I want to look at the paper.”
Patrick leaves for a moment but is back in fifteen seconds, saying, “Daddy, come to my room. I want to show you now, Daddy. I want to show you now.”
His father replies, “Just a minute, son. Let me finish reading.”
Patrick’s mother calls him, and he dashes off. His mother tells him that his father is tired and please let him read the paper for a few minutes. Patrick says, “But, Mommy, I want to show him what
I made.”
“I know,” says his mother, “but let Dad read for a few minutes.”
Sixty seconds later, Patrick is back to his father and instead of saying anything, he jumps into his father’s paper, laughing. His father says, “What are you doing, Patrick?”
Patrick says, “I want you to come to my room, Daddy. I want to show you what I made.”
What is Patrick requesting? “Quality Time.” He wants his father’s undivided attention, and he won’t stop until he gets it, even if he must create a scene. If your child is often making presents for you, wrapping them up and giving them to you with a special glee in his or her eye, your child’s primary love language is probably “Receiving Gifts.” He gives to you because he desires to receive. If you observe your son or daughter always trying to help a younger brother or sister, it probably means that his or her primary love language is “Acts of Service.” If he or she is often telling you how good you look and what a
good mother or father you are and what a good
job you did, it is an indicator that his or her
primary love language is “Words of
Affirmation.” All of that is on the subconscious
level for the child. That is, the child is not
consciously thinking, “If I give a gift, my parents
will give me a gift; if I touch, I will be touched,”
but her behavior is motivated by her own
emotional desires. Perhaps she has learned by
that when she does or says certain things, she
typically receives certain responses from her
parents. Thus, she does or says that which results
in getting her own emotional needs met. If all
goes well and their emotional needs are met,
children develop into responsible adults; but if
the emotional need is not met, they may violate
acceptable standards, expressing anger toward
parents who did not meet their needs, and
seeking love in inappropriate places.
Dr. Ross Campbell, the psychiatrist who first told
me about the emotional love tank, says that in
his many years of treating adolescents who have been involved in sexual misconduct, he has never
treated such an adolescent whose emotional need for love has been met by the parents. His opinion
was that almost all sexual misconduct in adolescents is rooted in an empty emotional love tank. Why is it that as the child gets older, our “Words of Affirmation” turn to words of condemnation?
Have you seen that in your community? A teenager runs away from home. The parents wring their hands, saying, “How could he do this to us after all we have done for him?” but the teenager is sixty miles down the road in some counselor’s office, saying, “My parents don’t love me. They have never loved me. They love my brother, but they don’t love me.” Do the parents, in fact, love that teenager? In the majority of cases, they do.
Then what’s the problem? Very likely, the parents
never learned how to communicate love in a
language the child could understand.
Perhaps they bought ball gloves and bicycles to
show their love, but the child was crying, “Will
someone play ball with me? Will someone go
riding with me?” The difference between buying
a ball glove and playing ball with a child may be
the difference between an empty love tank and a full one.
Parents can sincerely love their children (most do), but sincerity is not enough. We must learn to speak the primary love language of our children if we are to meet their emotional need for love.
Let’s look at the five love languages in the context of loving children.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Parents typically give many affirming words when
the child is young. Even before the child
understands verbal communication, parents are
saying, “What a pretty nose, what beautiful eyes,
what curly hair,” and so on. When the child begins
to crawl, we applaud every movement and give
“Words of Affirmation.” When he begins to walk
and stands with one hand against the couch, we
stand two feet away and say, “Come on, come on,
come on. That’s right! Walk. That’s right, walk.”
The child takes half a step and falls and what do
we say? We don’t say, “You dumb kid, can’t you
walk?”
Rather, we say, “Yea, good job!” So he gets up
and tries again. Why is it that as the child gets
older, our “Words of Affirmation” turn to words
of condemnation? When the child is seven we
walk into the room and tell him to put the toys in
the toy box. Twelve toys are on the floor. We
come back in five minutes and seven toys are in
the box, and what do we say? “I told you to get
these toys up. If you don’t get these toys up, I am
going to—” What about the seven toys in the
box? Why don’t we say, “Yea, Johnny, you put
seven toys in the box. That’s great.” The other
five would probably jump into the box! As the
child gets older, we tend to condemn him for his
failures rather than commend him for his successes.
To a child whose primary love language is “Words of Affirmation,” our negative, critical, demeaning words strike terror to her psyche. Hundreds of thirty-five-year-old adults still hear words of condemnation spoken twenty years ago ringing in their ears: “You’re too fat; nobody will ever date you.” “You’re not a student. You may as well drop out of school.” “I can’t believe you are so dumb.”
“You are irresponsible and will never amount to anything.” Adults struggle with self-esteem and feel unloved all their lives when their primary love language is violated in such a detrimental manner.
QUALITY TIME
Quality time means giving a child undivided attention. For the small child, it means sitting on the floor and rolling a ball back and forth with him. We are talking about playing with cars or
dolls. We are talking about playing in the sandbox
and building castles, getting into his world, doing
things with him. You may be into computers as an
adult, but your child lives in a child’s world. You
must get down on the child’s level if you
eventually want to lead him to the adult world.
As the child gets older and develops new interests,
you must enter into those interests if you want to
meet his needs. If he is into basketball, get
interested in basketball, spend time playing
basketball with him, take him to basketball games.
If he is into piano, perhaps you could take a piano
lesson or at least listen with undivided attention
for part of his practice period. Giving a child your
undivided attention says that you care, that he is
important to you, that you enjoy being with him.
Many adults, looking back on childhood, do not
remember much of what their parents said,
but they do remember what their parents did. One
adult said, “I remember that my father never
missed my high school games. I knew he was
interested in what I was doing.” For that adult,
“Quality Time” was an extremely important
communicator of love. If “Quality Time” is the
primary love language of your child and you
speak that language, chances are he will allow
you to spend quality time with him even through
the adolescent years. If you do not give him
quality time in the younger years, he will likely
seek the attention of peers during the adolescent
years and turn away from parents who may at that
time desperately desire more time with their children.
RECEIVING GIFTS
Many parents and grandparents speak the
language of gifts excessively. In fact, when one
visits toy stores, one wonders if parents believe
that is the only language of love. If parents have
the money, they tend to buy many gifts for their
children. Some parents believe that that is the
best way to show love. Some parents try to do
for their children what their parents were unable
to do for them. They buy things that they wish
they had had as a child. But unless that is the
primary love language of the child, gifts may
mean little emotionally to the child. The parent
has good intentions, but he/she is not meeting
the emotional needs of the child by giving gifts.
If the gifts you give are quickly laid aside, if the
child seldom says “thank you,” if the child does
not take care of the gifts that you have given, if
she does not prize those gifts, chances are
“Receiving Gifts” is not her primary love
language. If, on the other hand, your child
responds to you with much thanksgiving, if she
shows others the gift and tells others how
wonderful you are for buying the gift, if she takes
care of the gift, if she puts it in a place of
prominence in her room and keeps it polished, if
she plays with it often over an extended period of
time, then perhaps “Receiving Gifts” is her
primary love language.
What if you have a child for whom “Receiving
Gifts” is his or her primary love language but you
cannot afford many gifts? Remember, it’s not the
quality or cost of the gift; it is the “thought that
counts.” Many gifts can be handmade, and
sometimes the child appreciates that gift more
than an expensive, manufactured gift. In fact,
younger children will often play with a box more
than the toy that came in it. You can also find
discarded toys and refinish them. The process of
refinishing can become a project for both parent
and child. You need not have lots of money in
order to provide gifts for your children.
ACTS OF SERVICE
When children are small, parents are continually doing “Acts of Service” for them. If they did not, the child would die. Bathing, feeding, and dressing all require a great deal of work in the first few years of a child’s life. Then comes cooking, washing, and ironing. Then comes packing lunches, running a taxi service, and helping with homework. Such things are taken for granted by many children, but for other children those things communicate love.
Observe your children. Watch how they express love to others. That is a clue to their love language.
If your child is often expressing appreciation for
ordinary acts of service, that is a clue that they
are emotionally important to him or her.
Your acts of service are communicating love in a
meaningful way. When you help him with a
science project, it means more than a good grade.
It means “My parent loves me.” When you fix a
bicycle, you do more than get him back on wheels.
You send him away with a full tank. If your child
consistently offers to help you with your work
projects, it probably means that in his mind that is
a way of expressing love, and “Acts of Service”
likely is his primary love language.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
We have long known that “Physical Touch” is an emotional communicator to children. Research
has shown that babies who are handled often develop better emotionally than babies who are not.
Naturally many parents and other adults pick up
an infant, hold it, cuddle it, kiss it, squeeze it,
and speak silly words to it. Long before the child
understands the meaning of the word love, she
feels loved. Hugging, kissing, patting, holding
hands are all ways of communicating love to a
child. The hugging and kissing of a teenager will
differ from the hugging and kissing of an infant.
Your teenager may not appreciate such behavior
in the presence of peers, but that doesn’t mean
that he does not want to be touched, especially if
it is his primary love language.
If your teenager is regularly coming up behind you
and grabbing your arms, lightly pushing you,
grabbing you by the ankle when you walk through
the room, tripping you, those are all indications
that “Physical Touch” is important to him.
Observe your children. Watch how they express
love to others. That is a clue to their love
language. Take note of the things they request of
you. Many times, their request will be in keeping
with their own love language. Notice the things
for which they are most appreciative. Those are
likely indicators of their primary love language.
Our daughter’s love language is “Quality Time”;
thus, as she grew up, she and I often took walks
together. During her high school years while she
attended Salem Academy, one of the oldest girls’
academies in the country, we took walks amid
the quaint surroundings of Old Salem. The
Moravians have restored the village, which is
more than two hundred years old. Walking the
cobblestone streets takes one back to a simpler
time. Strolling through the ancient cemetery gives
one a sense of reality about life and death. In those
years, we walked three afternoons a week and had
long discussions in that austere setting. She is a
medical doctor now, but when she comes home,
she almost always says, “Want to take a walk,
Dad?” I have never refused her invitation.
My son would never walk with me. He said,
“Walking’s dumb! You’re not going anywhere. If
you’re going somewhere, drive.” “Quality Time”
was not his primary love language. As parents,
we often try to pour all of our children into the
same mold. We go to parenting conferences or
read books on parenting, get some wonderful
ideas, and want to go home and practice with each
child. The problem is that each child is different,
and what communicates love to one child may not
communicate love to another. Forcing a child to
take a walk with you so that you can spend quality
time together will not communicate love.
We must learn to speak our children’s language if
we want them to feel loved. I believe that most
parents sincerely love their children. I also believe
that thousands of parents have failed to
communicate love in the proper language and
thousands of children in this country are living
with an empty emotional tank. I believe that most
misbehavior in children and teenagers can be
traced to empty love tanks.
It is never too late to express love. If you have older children and realize that you have been
speaking the wrong love language, why not tell them? “You know, I have been reading a book on
how to express love, and I realize that I have not
been expressing my love to you in the best way
through the years. I have tried to show you my
love by _______, but I’m now realizing that that
probably has not communicated love to you, that
your love language is probably something
different. I am beginning to think that your love
language is probably _______. You know, I really
do love you, and I hope that in the future I can
express it to you in better ways.” You might even
want to explain the five love languages to them
and discuss your love language as well as theirs.
Perhaps you do not feel loved by your older children. If they are old enough to understand the
concept of love languages, your discussion may open their eyes. You may be surprised at their
willingness to start speaking your love language and, if they do, you might be surprised at the way
your feelings and attitudes toward them begin to change. When family members start speaking each
other’s primary love language, the emotional climate of a family is greatly enhanced.
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