My Mind is Quiet This Morning

 I’m not sure I would describe me as being at peace, but I am calm.

Being able to get up without negotiating with myself had been a huge step. The changes in medication must be the answer. While I don’t go back to my Psychiatrist for a few more weeks, my ability to get out of bed has increased. Now in fairness, I always get up eventually. But since I began the new medicine, getting up is so much easier.

Last night, I turned the light off just after 11 PM.

So, this morning, I was awake and ready to arise around 7:30. Before adding the Wellbutrin XL 150mg, and reducing my Prozac to 20 mg, I would begin a strung-out negotiation with myself about getting out of bed. This would generally include me changing my mind about when I needed to get up. Then a half-hour later, I would go through the entire process again.

On mornings where I must get up for work, I was jumping into concealed depression mode.

It doesn’t matter how I am feeling or what I am thinking. I know how many minutes it takes to get out the door. And I know if I need to iron a shirt or if the night before, I had started packing my lunch. My mind obsesses on every little detail and possibly triggers my fight or flight reflex to get me going. My goal is always to be early to work.

When I arrive at work on time, I feel like I am late.

I do have to leave for work at 10:30 AM. But it is only 8 AM, because I was able to get out of bed at 7:30 without a lot of drama. I just awoke and got out of bed. In the bathroom, I filled my pill caddy for the week. It is one of those flip-top plastic devices that has the days of the week on it. Then I took my Wellbutrin and Prozac.

On the porch, I am calm and collected.

No anxiety or the overwhelming cloud of depression hanging over me. Now I am not implying that I am joyful or happy, but rather focused on the moment. The routine of getting up, making coffee, hanging out the bird feeders, then sitting on the front porch is part of my self-care.

It is mornings like this where I remember how important self-care is.

There is no wind this morning and while the sky is not clear, there are breaks of blue among the off-white clouds. The day promises to be hot and muggy, but now, the porch is cool and inviting. While I have my morning routine to finish before going off to work at 10:30 AM, I am not in a hurry. There is no rush this morning, I am confident that I have plenty of time to get everything done and still arrive at work 10 minutes early.

Being able to be in the moment now, I am closing the laptop to just watch the birds.

My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn. If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share. 

I very much appreciate your comments.