5 Love_Languages

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION : This language uses words to affirm other people.

            [The 5 Love Languages] changed my life.
It changed my marriage. There's such
simplicity in its message, but I feel
like it's so powerful.
- Kelly Hurliman
Wardrobe stylist to Oprah Winfrey           

ACTS OF SERVICE : For these people, actions speak louder than words.

Receiving Gifts : For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.

QUALITY TIME : This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.

Physical Touch : To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.

Recent Blog Post

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Desperate Straits

Separation means that a marriage is in desperate straits. Healing will require listening, understanding, discipline, change. But hard work can result in the joy of a restored marriage. I know that some of you are saying: “It sounds good, but it won’t work. We’ve tried before. Besides, I don’t think my spouse will even try again. I’m not even sure I want to try.” I understand your feelings, but don’t assume that the hostile attitude of your spouse will last forever, or that your own feelings are permanent. One of God’s gifts to all of us is the gift of choice. We can change. Your spouse may be saying: “I’m through. It is finished. I don’t want to talk about it.” But three week or three months from now your spouse may be willing to talk. Much depends on what you do in the meantime, and much depends on your spouse’s response to the Spirit of God. You pray. You work. You leave the results to God.

 

Separation Calls for Intensive Care

May 21, 2018

Separation is not death, although it may seem like “the valley of the shadow of death”. But the shadow of death is not to be equated with death. Separation may be the valley of restoration, and the pain you feel may be labor pains which will give rebirth to your marriage. Separation calls for intensive care, just like that given to those in grave physical danger. The condition of the marriage is “critical”. Proper mediation is essential. Surgery may be required. That will call for the services of a counselor or pastor. What you do in the next few weeks will determine the quality of your life for years to come. Separation is not the time to capitulate. The battle for marital unity may just be beginning. Be assured, God is concerned about the outcome. You can count on Him for supernatural help. He will not abandon you in this time of pain.

Biblical Love Is A Choice

May 18, 2018

A man said to me recently: “We have a problem. My wife’s sister told us that her husband just left her and is asking for a divorce. She is turning to us for advice. I’m not sure what to tell her. Should she contest the divorce? How do we help her? We have never faced this in our family before!” Many family members can identify with this man. They want to help, but don’t know how. Thousands of people experience marital separation every year. Many of them sincerely want to
know, “What should I do, as a Christian?” First, let me say this, Don’t assume that separation equals divorce. Separation may lead to a restored, enriched, growing marriage. The individuals involved will determine the outcome of separation. Separation is not permanent. It either leads to resurrection or death. The Christian must always seek resurrection.

Do You Need An Evacuation Plan?

May 16, 2018

If you are living with a verbally abusive spouse, you need an evacuation plan and you need to share the plan with your spouse. Try this: “I want to share with you a decision I have made. As you know, I have talked with you in the past about how deeply I am hurt when you lash out at me with critical remarks. It takes me days and sometimes weeks to get over the pain. I have decided that the next time you lose your temper, I will take some time away from you in order to recover. I think my healing will be faster if we are apart. I will not be abandoning you, but I will be taking a step to correct what has become a very destructive pattern in our relationship. I can’t survive the verbal attacks indefinitely. I don’t believe that is the kind of person you want to be. I’m sharing this with you because I believe in you and want to see you become the person you want to be.” He may get mad, or start crying. She simply follows the plan the next time he explodes. She is clearly communicating: Things are not going to continue the way they are.

Dealing Effectively with Failures

May 3, 2018

You don’t have to be perfect to have a good marriage. But, you do need to deal effectively with your failures. Otherwise, they sit as barriers to a growing marriage. How do you get rid of past failures? First, you identify them – write them down. Second, you confess them as wrong – to God and to your spouse. Third, you repent – change your behavior. To confess this week, and then repeat the same behavior next week, does not remove barriers. It makes things worse. God is in the business of changing lives. Why not sign up for God’s rehabilitation program. Let Him give you the power to break old habits and replace them with acts of kindness and love. You can become the person, your spouse deserves

Admit that You are Not Perfect

May 1, 2018

“Most of us will admit that we are not perfect.”
From time to time we say and do things that are not loving, kind, or helpful. In a marriage, these failures build into walls of separation. If you would like to remove past failures, you must first identify them. Get pen and paper and then, ask God to bring to your mind, the ways you have hurt your spouse in the past. Now, go to your children individually and ask them to tell you times when they have seen you being unkind to your spouse. Get ready, because children can be brutally honest.
Then ask the same question to close friends who have had the opportunity to observe your behavior. This process can be painful, but it is the first step in dealing with past failures.

Put the Past Behind You

April 26, 2018

Would you like to put the past behind you and start over? I’m talking about in your marriage. Many couples have so much pain from past failures that they have a hard time moving ahead. Time alone, will not heal hurts.
Healing comes when we are willing to confess our failures and change our behavior. Some of us would like to leave out the confession part and just focus on being different in the future. However, confession is essential to the healing process. Even God requires confession before He forgives. I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.” Confession means that we admit to our spouse that what we did is wrong. We accept responsibility for our failure and request forgiveness.

The Languages of Apology

April 5, 2018

What do you say or do when you apologize to someone? For some, it’s “I’m sorry.” To them, that is an apology. To others, “I’m sorry,” is just getting started. They want to hear, “I was wrong. I should not have done that. What can I do to make it up to you? I want to find a way that I will not repeat this behavior next week. I do hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.” After two years of research, Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I discovered that there are five ways that people typically apologize. We called them the five languages of apology. Most people only speak one or two of the languages – the ones we were taught as children. In order to apologize effectively, we must learn to speak our apology in a way that the other person will understand.

Apologizing Enhances Self-Esteem

April 3, 2018

People who grow up with low self-esteem, often find it difficult to apologize. To them, an apology seems to be a sign of weakness. In reality, apologizing enhances one’s self-esteem. People respect the man or woman who is willing to take responsibility for their own failures. Receiving the respect and admiration of others thus enhances how we feel about ourselves. On the other hand, those who try to hide or excuse wrongful behavior will almost always lose the respect and affirmation of others. A sincere apology is always a sign of maturity, not a sign of weakness. Apology opens the door to forgiveness. And forgiveness means that we can now continue to grow in our relationship. It’s never too late to learn to apologize.

Barriers are Removed with Apologies

March 27, 2018

When Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I wrote the book: The five languages of Apology, we discovered that some people almost never apologize. One wife said, “My husband rarely apologizes, because he doesn’t see a lot of what he does as wrong. He finds it hard to admit that he makes mistakes.” This husband is living in an unrealistic world. All of us sometimes make harsh, critical, and unloving comments. When we are unwilling to accept responsibility for our words or behavior we erect a barrier between us and the person we hurt. Barriers are not removed without apologies and forgiveness. In fact, you cannot have a growing marriage without apologies.

Why is Apologizing so Hard?

March 22, 2018

Why is apologizing so hard? One husband said, “I know I did wrong, but so did she. In fact, she precipitated the whole thing. Why should I apologize when she’s the one who started it?” The problem with the waiting game is that the average lifespan for men and women is 75 years. How much of your life do you want to spend in a ‘cold war’? I’ve know people who have spent 30 years living in the same house, waiting for the other person to apologize. Why would you do that? I know it’s not all your fault, but some of it is. Apologize for your part and see what happens. The first step is often the hardest. Nothing worthwhile comes easy. Take responsibility for your failures and request forgiveness.

Apologize and Change

March 15, 2018

If when you hug your spouse and they stiffen up, and it feels like you are hugging a tree, there’s a reason. Either physical touch is not their love language, or, they have a lot of resentment toward you because of your past behavior. The answer to the first is to discover their love language and begin to speak it. However, the answer to the second is more difficult. Resentment is the result of hurt. It doesn’t go away with a hug. It goes away when you sincerely apologize and change your behavior. Saying, “I’m sorry,” is not an adequate apology. You must admit your wrong, and ask what you might do to make things right. Learn the love language of your spouse and speak it daily. In time, resentment will fade and they will accept your hug.

When a Touch can Talk

March 13, 2018

If your spouse complains, “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I didn’t initiate it,” they are telling you that ‘physical touch’ is their love language. What makes them feel loved is when you reach out and hold their hand as you walk across the parking lot, or give them a hug when they walk in the door. Your ‘touch’ says, “I love you.” When you seldom touch, their love tank becomes empty and they begin to feel that you don’t love them. I know that physical touch may not feel comfortable to you, but you can learn. Set a goal of one touch a day. It may be as simple as putting your hand on their shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Or putting your hand on their leg as you watch TV. Each touch will make the next one easier. And, your spouse will feel your love.

Have You Hugged Today?

March 8, 2018

Have you hugged your child today? Or, if you’re married, have you hugged your spouse today? How long has it been since you kissed each other? Physical touch is one of the five love languages. Some people grew up in homes were family members seldom touched each other. For these people, learning to speak the love language of physical touch will take effort. The good news is that you can learn to touch. I remember the father who said, “I know that my son’s love language is physical touch because he’s always touching me. But, I have a hard time touching him. My father never touched me, so it doesn’t seem natural to me.” My advice? Learn, one touch at a time. Begin with one finger on the shoulder. Every time you touch will make the next one easier

Physical Touch

March 6, 2018

Physical touch is one of the five love languages. For some people, it is their primary love language. If you want them to feel loved, then give them a hug, or a pat on the back. This is true for children as well as adults. If a child’s love language is physical touch and you seldom hug the child, the child will grow up feeling unloved. I remember a prison inmate who told me that he grew up feeling unloved by his mother. When he read my book: The Five Love Languages, he discovered that his love language was physical touch. “But, my mother never hugged me,” he said. “The first time I remember her hugging me was the day I left for prison.” How tragic. Don’t let that happen to your child. Hug them every time they leave the house and when they return.

Touch is Fundamental

March 1, 2018

A while ago, I met an old friend whom I had not seen in a long time. Immediately, we hugged each other. Why? Because ‘touch’ is fundamental to who we are as humans. We speak of the ‘five senses’. One of the five is touch. It is one of the ways in which we experience life. What parent does not know that toddlers like to touch? We may say, “No, don’t touch that,” but touch is one way a child experiences life. The same is true with adults. All cultures have appropriate affirming touches when they greet each other. When you touch me in an appropriate way, you affirm my worth. When you touch me in a harsh way, you demean me as a person. Make sure that today, all of your touches are affirming touches.

Communicating Desires

February 27, 2018

We are creatures of desire. That is, we want certain things. Desires are usually expressed in terms of “I want…, I wish…I hope… or I would like… In an intimate marriage, couples can share their desires without making demands. If my wife tells me that she would like a new dress for the party, then perhaps I can make it happen. If she doesn’t tell me, I have no way of knowing her desire. I don’t mean that any of us can have everything we desire. But if we share, then we can discuss the possibilities – is it realistic or not? If so, then what steps need to be taken? Helping fulfill the desires of your spouse is one way of expressing your love. Love always wants what is best for the spouse.

Thoughts and Emotions

February 22, 2018

Intimacy comes from a Latin word meaning ‘inner’. It is two people sharing the ‘inner self’. Marriage is meant to be an intimate relationship. Two of the things we share are our ‘thoughts’ and ‘emotions’. Emotions can’t be seen, but they can be revealed. When I say to my wife, “I’m feeling disappointed,” I have shared an emotion. If I tell her why then I’m sharing my thoughts. We make it easier for our spouse to share thoughts and emotions if we don’t pounce on them with condemnation. If you say, “Well, that’s nothing to be disappointed about. You shouldn’t let that bother you,” you have become a preacher, not a loving spouse. When you say, “I can see how that would be disappointing, tell me more about it.” You are encouraging intimacy

Interpretation Differences

February 19, 2018

Ever notice how we interpret things differently?
A husband walks in and sees the sink filled with dirty dishes. He reads a note on the table: “Darling, I am attending a program at church. May be late. Love you.” He may say to himself “lazy woman, she’s taking advantage of me – expecting me to wash the dishes.” And he walks out of the room. Another husband might say, “She must have had a busy day. The least I can do is to wash the dishes.” And he rolls up his sleeves. The difference was interpretation. Love ‘thinks the best’ and always looks for an opportunity to serve.
The first husband was self-centered. The second was a lover. Lovers always have better marriages

Verbal Abuse Saddens God

February 1, 2018

Behind every verbally abusive tongue is a person of value. I know that’s hard to believe when you are hurt by exploding words, but it is true. Your spouse is an extremely valuable person, a person deeply loved by Christ. Of course, their verbally abusive behavior saddens the heart of God as it does your own. But their abusive behavior does not distract from their worth. If you can focus on their worth rather than their abuse, perhaps you can be God’s instrument for bringing help. The wife who says: “I’ve been thinking about us. I’ve been thinking about our dating days. I’ve been remembering the tender touch, the kind words, the smiling face, the fun we had in those days. I guess that’s why I believe in you so strongly. I know the good qualities that are there. Sometimes I lose that vision when I am hurt by your verbal attacks, but I know the kind of man you are and I believe in that man.” She is giving him what all of us need: someone who believes in us. This has powerful potential for motivating positive changes in his behavior.

Deep Need for Self-Worth

January 30, 2018

Most people who verbally abuse their spouse are saying more about their own needs that they are about their spouses character. The verbal abuser has a deep need for self-worth. They are unconsciously seeking to elevate themselves by putting down the spouse. Of course, this is not an acceptable way to build one’s self-esteem. The spouse who wants to have a positive influence will affirm the need, but reject the behavior. By saying something like: “I know that you must be terribly frustrated to speak to me in that manner. I wish I could hear you and help, but I am so pained by the words that I cannot listen. If you could write me a note telling me what you feel and how strongly you feel it, maybe I could be there for you and could be the spouse you need.” This statement acknowledges the inner struggles of the abuser, but refuses to accept the destructive behavior. This is a step in the right direction

Abusive Language is Poisonous

January 25, 2018

Verbal abuse is warfare. It employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. Abusive language is filled with poisonous put-downs which seek to make the other person feel badly, appear wrong, or look inadequate. Most people who practice verbal abuse are suffering from low self-esteem. Anything which threatens their worth will stimulate a flow of angry words. The slightest criticism can ignite the flame. Understanding this, may change your attitude toward your verbally abusing spouse. Seeing them as a needy person, rather than an abusive person, may help you take a more constructive approach

Being a Loving Leader

January 23, 2018

Being a loving leader requires that we put our wives at the top of our priority list. Christ is our example. He loved the church and gave himself for it. The church is his priority. He shed his blood for the church. And now, as our ascended Savior, he prays for us. What a model! So, the husband who takes the bible seriously will make his wife his number one priority. Throughout the day he will ask himself the question: What can I do for her that will enhance her life? He will pray for her daily. He will encourage her worthy pursuits. He will commend her for her accomplishments. As Christ showers us with daily blessings, so the husband as loving leader will shower his wife with actions and words which say, “I love you”. And she? She will follow his leadership.

Leadership Implies Communications

January 18, 2018

Leadership implies communication. The husband is to love and provide for his wife as Christ loves and cares for the church. But how can the husband do that if he doesn’t know her needs. Peter instructs, that we are to deal with our wives according to knowledge. This means we must take the initiative in asking questions and listening in order to “know” our wives and thus be able to meet their needs. Does not God invite us to come to Him with our needs, and make our requests known. Why should not the husband do the same? Application? Go home tonight and say to your wife “Tell me about your day, darling.” Then look into her eyes and listen. Then ask: ‘What could I do tonight that would make your life easier?” Then after you have picked her up off the floor, listen and do what she requests. You are being a loving leader.

A Wife is a Partner

January 16, 2018

The loving husband views his wife as a partner. A wife is not a trophy to be won in courtship and then placed on the wall for all to observe along with our ten-point buck. She is a living person with whom to have a relationship. She is not a person to be dominated and controlled to satisfy our own desires. She is a person to be known and from whom we can learn. The idea of the wife as partner is as old as human literature. In the Genesis account of creation, the woman was created from the rib of man. It is a graphic description of her role as partner. The man and his wife were instructed to subdue the earth and to rule over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air and other living creatures. The man was not instructed to subdue his wife. He was told to become “one flesh” with her. We are different, but these differences were designed by God so that we could complement each other. The husband who views his wife as an partner has taken the first step toward becoming a loving leader in him marriage.

The Husband’s Role in Marriage

January 9, 2018

In the contemporary world, perhaps nowhere has confusion reigned more than in the area of the husband’s role in marriage.
On one extreme is the concept of the dominant husband who makes all decisions and informs the wife as to what they are going to do, who does not tolerate questions from his wife or his children, and who believes that it is his responsibility to control all the major decisions regarding family life while the wife “takes care of the children.”
On the other extreme is the more contemporary “don’t count on me” husband who expects the wife to support the family and make all the major decisions while he is the resident sports information source and keeps his muscles bulging with workouts at the local gym so that his wife will “be proud of him.” Somewhere between these two concepts is a healthy middle road where the husband is a responsible, dependable, leading but non-domineering husband who is deeply committed to his wife and family.
Where are you?

Ask for Forgiveness

January 1, 2018

If you want to improve your marriage, and you are open to trying the radical teachings of Jesus, then the first step is get alone with God, and pray this prayer: “Lord, you know what I live with, and you know how they treat me. But I know that I’m not perfect and what I want to know is where am I failing in my marriage. What am I doing and saying that I should not? What am I failing to do and say that I should?” That is a prayer that God will answer. He will show you your failures. I suggest that you write them down as God brings them to your mind.
1. I was not kind last night. I was harsh and cutting with my words.
2. I have been withdrawing lately. Not willing to talk or express interest in his life.
3. I’ve been acting like God is dead and hope is gone. Write them down and confess them to God. ‘Lord, I know that these are wrong. I confess them to you. Thank you that Christ has paid for these sins. I ask for your forgiveness.”
According to scripture, the moment you ask, you are forgiven. Thank God for His forgiveness. “Now Lord, help me to do something good with my life today.” You have taken the first step in improving your marriage.

Improving a Marriage is Hard Work

December 27, 2017

Improving a marriage is hard work, but the good news is, you can do it, because the first step is always yours. Jesus said: First get the beam out of your own eye and then you can help your spouse get the speck out of theirs. I know that someone is objecting: “But the beam really is not in my eye. I’m not perfect, but the real problem is my spouse.” Let’s assume for a moment that you are correct. Let’s say that your spouse’s behavior accounts for 95% of your marital problems. Now that only leaves 5% for you. I’m suggesting and I think Jesus was suggesting that you best begin with your five percent. In fact, your five percent is all that you can ever change. You cannot confess your husband’s sins, but you can certainly confess your own. You cannot change his behavior, but you can certainly change yours. Once you deal with your five percent, the marriage is already improved. You are feeling better about yourself, because you are following the teachings of Jesus. I will guarantee that your action will get the attention of your spouse.

Does Every Marriage Need Help?

December 23, 2017

Is there a marriage that doesn’t need help? I find that even couples with good marriages recognize that there‘s room for growth. And couples with troubled marriages are desperate for improvement. I’m convinced that you can have a better marriage. I’m also convinced that the key to improving your marriage is you. Oh, but you don’t understand, some of you are thinking. I live with an alcoholic. My wife is depressed. My husband is abusive. Others of you are thinking, “Well, my marriage is not that bad.” The question is, Do you want to have a better marriage? My response is, You Can. And it begins with you. Jesus said: “Why do you keep talking about your spouses’ faults and spend so little time thinking about you own? Don’t you know that if you will begin by cleaning up your own act, you will have a greater influence on your spouse? First let’s deal with your own failures, then you can expect to see change in your spouse!” That’s Matt. 7:1-5 loosely paraphrased and applied to marriage. But don’t forget, the first step is yours.

Early Marital Adjustments

December 15, 2017

Question: Gary, we are a newlywed couple. My husband jokes about good-looking women, in front of me. I am offended. He says, “it doesn’t mean anything.” I’m having serious jealousy issues.
Answer: You may both be right. It may not ‘mean anything’ to him. But, you are hurt and jealous. Those would be normal feelings. Many men make comments about ‘good looking women’. When a man is single, these comments are most often made to other men. However, not many women want to hear such comments from their husbands. In fact, I don’t know any women that welcome such comments. So, tell him that you find that offensive. Remind him that he is married and that you are not ‘one of the boys’. Give him a little slack. It takes a while to break old habits. But whatever you do, don’t accept these comments as appropriate. You are newly married and this is the time to ‘set the record straight’ that such comments are not acceptable. Also, be open to his requests for changes in your speech or behavior. This is a normal part of early marital adjustments.

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